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This is going to be difficult but I think it will help me personally to write again so here goes. Life is hard. I have struggled this past year and my kids have struggled. It’s easy to put on a happy face so everyone thinks we are fine but the tears keep surfacing and the grief keeps swelling.

The pain of this life would be absolutely unbearable without one constant thing… the love of God and his endless daily mercies. I have truly seen them and felt them for me and my children. If you are reading this, you are probably one of the people who have carried out those mercies and somehow made this past year easier for us. Thank you.

As most of you know, my husband was a saint. I know it’s easy to idolize and immortalize those who have passed on, but Amos was simply a hero. He was everyone’s favorite. The way he lived his life was pure inspiration. He served God first, his family second, everyone around him third and never forgot those most important priorities. He loved to serve and I suspect he is still doing just that. I hope he can look in on us once in a while too. He would be so pleased with the way his children are growing to be like him.

Wednesday night we returned to America’s Got Talent to see the Semi Final results show. The memories flowed back and Evie was so happy to be there.

Simon Cowell spent commercial breaks with us and was so kind. It was an unbelievably beautiful gesture for him to take so much time and care with us. It was healing somehow.  While he was talking to Evie, he asked her what she learned through her experiences. She struggled with a good answer on the spot but has been thinking of them ever since that moment.

I know we have grown as a family and learned to depend on each other and manage without daddy. He was the in-house psychologist so emotionally and mentally we have been a little lost without him at times but have often felt his love seeping through and guiding us.

The holidays this year will be very different. It hasn’t been announced yet, but Evie got a big long term show in Reno so we will be doing some juggling to partially relocate there from November to January.

Porter is preparing for his mission call that should come in less than a year. He also has offers from almost every Ivy Leauge University but thinks he may want to go to Yale after his mission. He has been such an incredible help to me this past year. I love that kid so much.

Kirra, Ruth and Blakely are all about student council this year. They are serving diligently and leading their school with courage and kindness. Daddy would love to see that.

Evelyn has been traveling everywhere performing for all kinds of events. Her light has definitely reached many. This one audition video alone has reached quite a few people.

She loves singing for and speaking to youth groups about holding on to her faith trough troubled times. She inspires me every day. She released an original album called Okay Day that is beyond words.  It hit the top 50 on the iTunes pop album chart and it continues to inspire people all over the world.

 

Amos’s cancer journey began on a general conference Sunday and tonight this TeamAmos blog will end on one.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego “possessed full confidence that God could save them, but if not, they had complete faith in His plan.” We have seen #miracles all along our journey. From the beginning we knew God would show His power through Amos’s life and we believe He has. He has also shown His power through Amos’s death. Amos was not physically healed. That “miracle” never came, but he has been “eternally healed” as Elder Hallstrom explained today. We have been given comfort and continued miracles to go on with our lives until the day we will reunite with him. For that miracle I am eternally grateful.

 

I don’t remember an apostle ever passing away on the day of general conference before today. My heart goes out to him and his family. After we listened to the remarkable talks that each seemed to apply directly to us, Blakely asked me a question.

“Mom, do you think Elder Hales will get to see daddy on his way up?”

I confirmed that it was possible. She hugged me and smiled through her tears.

The talks from general conference have lifted and strengthen us and answered many questions.

I have felt conflicted about blogging this week but have a few things to share today.

Some coworkers came this past week to deliver a plaque for Amos. They have so much love and respect for him and wanted to find a way to let me know. They have a duplicate of this beautiful tribute hanging at work. It reads…

Arizona Department of Corrections

In loving memory of Amos Abplanalp – Psychology Associate 2015-2017

Amos selflessly served the Arizona Department of Corrections with professionalism, integrity and distinction. To know him was to love him. His service has left an endearing legacy for his colleagues to emulate and honor.

“The great use of Life is to spend it for something that will outlast it” William James, Psychologist

They also brought some things they found in his office including a card from several of the inmates. It was a birthday card that they had converted to a get well card and given to him before his passing. It had such special messages in it that I will treasure. He didn’t talk about work much at home. I was surprised to learn that the hearts of these maximum security prisoners were filled with concern and compassion for him. To know him really was to love him.

The America’s Got Talent final show is over and we want to congratulate Darci on her win. We all knew she would wrap things up but the pressure of being the front runner was enormous for her. I’m glad it wasn’t something Evelyn had to carry right now. Thank you to all of you who voted and supported Evie Clair. There is some ambiguity for the lower 5 so we don’t know if she was 6th place or 10th but I believe the opportunities going forward will be similar regardless.

Producers decided to have the star, James Arthur, sing a song with Evie for the finale that she and Kirra and Porter wrote together called “Okay Day.” This is really special for many reasons;

First: celebrities will usually agree to go on shows like this to promote themselves and sing their own songs. James Arthur’s willingness to sing her song and the kind way he did it and his genuine concern for her over the loss of her father were astounding.

Second: a few months ago Evelyn had a very vivid dream where she was in a circle of fire and the rain came down around her and put the fire out. The words to the bridge came to her in that dream;

“When the clouds start to form and the rain starts to fall; everyone knows after rain comes a rainbow after all.”

I’m sure she never imagined that the person who sings the current hit “Say You Won’t Let Go” would be singing it with her for the finale of the biggest show in the world! Nevermind that they only had 20 Minutes to pull it together!

The best parts of the day were the moments we both were star struck. Evie was set to rehearse with James and I had to push her through the practice room door. She was so nervous to meet him in person. She covered her red face and she couldn’t control the water coming from her eyes or the hyperventilating. It was adorable. Thankfully she got past it quickly so they could get to work.

I brought Kirra to help James learn the part she usually sings but they cut the complex parts of the song so he was fine. Hopefully we can get it recorded and release the full version soon. James kept saying he loved the song so much and someone told me he said it was his new favorite.

The star-studded day didn’t end there. We got to hang out with tons of them but the one who personally called her on the phone had the biggest impact.

After stage rehearsal with James Arthur, Evie got a phone call from David Archuleta who is pretty much her favorite singer.

Evie Clair Reacts to Call from David Archuleta

They spok for a long time and after the freak out in front of the AGT staff, she found a quiet corner to really talk with David for a while. When she came back to find me I could tell she had been crying. I asked her about it and she said he was crying too. They were taking about David’s concert that Evie had attended with her dad last Christmas. It was her last daddy daughter date and she will never forget it and is grateful to David for making that time so memorable for her.

Evie then had to dash over for hair and makeup before the dress rehearsal. I thought she looked stunning last night. Our friend Michelle came to our hotel room that morning to do her lashes so she wouldn’t have mascara issues. Love this lady.

I watched the show back stage and their was a segment when they showed Amos. It was so touching and this beautiful Academy Award winning actress, Marlee Matlin, understood the situation despite being deaf, and came over to comfort me. I was a little star stuck by her when I saw out of the corner of my eye that she was crying with me and that someone I looked up to for the barriers she has broken knew what I was going through and mourned with me for that moment.

We spent some time taking pictures with the fan mob after the show then met up with our family and friends for an after party at Johnny Rockets. Aunt Jennie had to head back to the Phillipenes tonight so we were glad to get some time with her and many thanks to my friend Laura for bringing her to the airport.

As the show aired later in Phoenix, Channel 12 News crashed a watch party my sister Christy was having with her mutual group and they interviewed Evie’s cousin Sarah.

Before the night was over, Lucie, the AGT film director who came out to our home a few months ago, handed me a zip drive. She told me it was a message to Evelyn from her dad and to wait to watch it until we were home. What a gift! Not only the Zip drive but this whole day and this whole AGT adventure. It has been a bridge over troubled waters for us and I will always be grateful and marvel the magnitude of these blessings.

In other news, Kirra made her school soccer team! Yay! Can’t wait to get back home to be soccer mom.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT — “Live Finale” — Pictured: Evie Clair — (Photo by: Trae Patton/NBC)

Thank you for lighting up social media last night with Evie Clair. I was reminded by a friend that Clair means light and in some languages it means famous. Both seem appropriate for sweet Evie Clair. She has been a light to me through the darkest days of my life. She is a leader who only watches her own lane unless there is an opportunity to lift someone else. She reminds me of my mom and grandmother who also have the name Clair.

Tonight Howie also spoke of light. After her performance he said…

“Before I tell you what I think of that, I just wanna say that our hearts and our souls go out to you, Evie. I know that your father passed this week, and I cannot believe the strength that I’m seeing in such a beautiful young girl, and this is a very dark time in your life, and we all go through dark times. What gets us through is hoping and praying for that light at the end of the tunnel and your voice, and your song, and your presence here is that light at the end of the tunnel, so thank you so much.”

Mel B: “Well first of all, you look absolutely stunningly gorgeous tonight. You really, really do, and I know your dad’s up there looking down and you must be so, so, so, so proud because what you just did was beautiful. It was so pure and so raw, just well done. Well done, seriously.”

Heidi: “Well I can’t even imagine what you and your family must be going through right now and I just wanna say that you’re one brave little young lady and one amazing singer, and we loved having you here and I wish you all the best of luck tonight.”

Simon: “Evie, I’m not gonna judge you. I am going to send you, or tell you how much I respect you, how much strength you have. This was a perfect tribute to your dad. Just the fact it was total silence means that everyone was listening to you. Your voice was beautiful, the song was beautiful, and I am very proud of you, Evie, for what you’ve just done and you’ve given yourself a shot for tonight, congratulations.”

Simon pulled Evie into his dressing room before the show to acknowledge a thank you card she had given him for the funeral flowers. She has found Simon to be such a kind person through this whole experience. Maybe being a father himself has softened him a little.

I’m not sure how the voting will turn out by morning but I feel she has already won no matter what happens. She loves the other contestants dearly and will be so happy no matter who takes home the prize. Her performance was the most beautiful I have ever seen or heard.

Evie had big support last night. Amos’s mom was there along with all of these crazy kids who flagged down Howie for a picture. He was running from the crowds until he realized they were Evie’s family and friends.

What a Wonderful World was Amos’s song and she sang it as a tribute to him. She said in an interview that he was out there on that stage with her and I believe he was.

Evie will be singing a special song tonight with a guest celebrity so tune in again for the 2 hour Wednesday finale.

My gratitute tonight is to my Heavenly Father and His Son who is the true Light of the World. Evie Clair is only reflecting that source. A mother couldn’t ask for more from her children.

Tomorrow is the big day and today was a day of preparation.

First we were taken to Universal Studios for live news interviews right next to the Harry Potter ride. My sister messsaged me from Texas to tell me Evelyn was on her local news.

We had all kinds of other preparations today including a meeting about what Evie would want to do for the Vegas show should she win. That would take place on a Friday and Saturday the first weekend of November. So the winner doesn’t necessarily need to be a “Vegas act” as some argue because there are really only 2 shows.

Evie doesn’t expect to win and is not a front runner but the timing of this in connection with Amos’s passing has been so peculiar to me.

Evie is making great friends on set and is loving her time here. She misses her siblings and is so excited that they will be here tomorrow.

Now for voting. There is an app you can download to vote 10 times. There is nbc.com that is also connected to Facebook and you can vote 10 times per email address there. You can also vote 10 times per phone with the number they provide for Evie Clair during the show.

Her song tomorrow is very special to her dad and I can hardly wait for you all to hear it and see her beautiful set.

Thank you all for encouraging me to keep writing the blog. I’ll probably end this one but start another one.

I miss Amos so much and think about him almost every minute. I find myself praying that I will dream about him. Last night I started a dream that he was in but quickly woke up. I felt like Christopher Reeves in the movie “Somewhere in Time” as I  tried desperately to fall back to sleep so that same dream would continue. 

This photo was from the day Evie first appeared on America’s Got Talent and Amos watched from a hotel near the hospital while recovering from a surgery.   I never would have believed at that moment how things would play out. I’m sure there is a purpose and until we understand all we can do is hang on and find joy in the journey.

The whole staff here at America’s Got Talent is now well versed in all things Evie Clair. They know she has special dress standards and that she needs Sunday mornings off for church.

The wardrobe lady was so excited to figure out that she could buy two of the same skirts for Evie when they are too short. That way she can layer them so they reach her knees. I told her that was very clever. She also had an open back dress picked out as one option and she told me not to worry because they would sew a back on just for her if that dress was selected by the executives.

This morning we attended the Hollywood Ward. We were warmly welcomed. Before the meeting, the first counselor told us they have had lots of celebrity visits over the years including Donny Osmond, David Archuleta and members of the cast of Porgy and Bess. It’s strange to have him compare Evie to such famous people.

Evie is a huge David Archuleta fan. In fact she was fangirling yesterday when Bishop Elwood called to tell us David Archuleta was trying to get ahold of her through him. David hasn’t contacted us yet but we are looking forward to it. At Christmas last year Evie and her dad went on a date to see a David Archuleta concert and it is one of her favorite memories with Amos.

After a visit with the bishopric counselor,  he asked Evelyn if she would mind being the impromptu youth speaker today. She was stunned but accepted and did a beautiful job. I think she would have felt more comfortable with a special musical number.  She spoke of her dad and her testimony of eternal families. Everyone was touched by her.

We then were taken back to the theater where we were able to see her set for Tuesday. I wish I could share pictures because I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. I kept wishing I could have some confirmation that her dad would be able to see her on that stage.

Grandma and Aunt Jennie took my kids to Stake Conference back at home today where they called a new stake Presidency. We will miss President Ray and I will always be grateful for him and his love for Amos. He spent many nights in the hospital with him.

I got to FaceTime my kids tonight. I feel that Porter might be struggling most with his dad’s passing. He is such a great son and is putting on a smile for now but I can see the pain in his eyes. He was very close to his dad who always took time to understand him and connect to his brilliant mind in a way I can’t.

The Hollywood ward had an especially good Sunday School class where I gained many good insights and parallels between our journey in life and the journey of he early pioneers.

Looking forward to a big week and grateful to all of you for your continued support. I will probably only keep up this blog up until the end of the week to report on how things turn out with Evie since Amos’s cancer journey seems to have come to an end. I will miss writing each day  I think it has been therapeutic for me.

 

 

Evie Clair has made the decision to return and compete in the finals of America’s Got Talent after being given the option from Simon to come back next season.

We are happy to be back in LA with the remaining cast, crew and staff who have become like a second family to us this past year.

I was sitting in the Dolby Theater this morning when Malcom, the script writer for America’s Got Talent, gave me this letter with his condolences.

Death is Nothing at All

By Henry Scott-Holland

“Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!”

I loved these words and believe that he is near. I speak to him often and have felt him close.

Porter is at his first homecoming dance tonight and I’m missing him but happy that he will soon join me here in LA.

My cute little girls are being well cared for by grandparents and aunts and friends who love them dearly and I’m happy that they will also be able join us soon.

Some big AGT plans are in the works for both Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. You will not want to miss the finale so keep your schedules open and start planning parties to make sure your friends see it too.

My friend Jennifer Garbett took some really nice photos at the cemetery that I wanted to share. The one with Blakely sitting on Phoebe’s lap reminded me of the sweet words she shared at the family viewing.

In the sweetest voice she stood and told us that while we all believed dad would get through this and be ok, she believes he did get through it and he is ok. She said she also knows dad wants us to be happy. I love that smart girl and the ways she reminds me of Amos. Eventhough she is only 8, I hope she never forgets her time with him and the things he has taught her.

In addition to these funeral photos, Jen took family photos last year that my other friend Nicole had framed and sent to our home the day after Amos died. Along with those pictures, our home is also filled to the brim with beautiful flowers.

We had flowers come from family, friends and some other pretty cool people and organizations like the US Department of the Interior and the Arizona Interfaith Movement. We also got a massive arrangement from Simon Cowell and his wife then a separate one from Howie, Heidi, Mel B, Tyra and the AGT crew. We also got flowers from Luis Gonzalez (Gonzo) and the Diamondbacks just today.

I am in awe of the thoughtfulness of so many people.

There was another special moment at the viewing when a bunch of Amos’s wrestlers from Gilbert High School brought in a framed tribute to Amos with a wrestling uniform and presented it just before my dad said the family prayer and we closed the casket.

Evelyn has had a hard day. Halfway through two different interviews she broke down and ran away. She would do fine until they would ask specific questions about her dad and then she would go silent. I felt so bad for her. I was really proud of her for pulling herself together in both instances to continue the interviews saying her dad didn’t teach her to be a quitter.

One thing I have learned through this experience is that it has been a story of true love.

The last thing Amos said to me last week was “I love you!” He has said it to me a million times over the past 20 years but I know it without him ever saying it. He showed me by the way he treated me with respect and served me and sacrificed for our family. He even blew out his knee defending my honor once.

I have been missing him and struggling as I cleaned out our room today. I left his clothes hanging in the closet for now because and can’t quite seem to remove them yet.

A trusted friend sent me an email this morning that hit me hard…

“Let me start by saying how sorry we are to hear that Amos has passed away. He and your family have been an example of faith, perseverance, love, and humility as you have faced your challenges. I am not sure if you are aware, but Amos and I had a few interactions via email over the last 18 months or so. I have included them below. As you will see in those emails, I will always remember Amos for two specific things: 1) his example of service and 2) even more powerful, his love for his family.

I also wanted to share with you a dream that I had last night. I was sitting in the stands at a baseball game. My wife was to my right and Amos was to my left. He and I were engaged in small talk. “How are things?” “How is work?” “How is the family?” I shared with him that our family has really enjoyed watching Evelyn on America’s Got Talent. He responded by saying, “Thank you for praying for my family.” While still dreaming, I was suddenly struck with reality and I remembered that Amos had passed away. I asked, “Is this real?!” I got my wife’s attention and asked her, “Do you see Amos?” Before she could respond, Amos said, “Tell Hillary I love her.” With that, he was gone and I woke up.

I have no idea how I would respond if I were in your shoes and received an email like this. For this reason, I really debated even telling you about it. My dreams are generally random, confusing, and insignificant. I ask myself why would someone who is fairly removed from the situation have this type of interaction. I have known others who have passed away including my grandmother and my father-in-law and I have never had a dream that involved them. Ultimately, I decided to share this experience with you for two reasons. First, although I do not understand why I would have a dream with Amos, it was a very special experience for me and is something I will remember for the rest of my life. I share it with you so you know that even after his death, he has continued to positively impact others. Second, his final comment to me is one of the most vivid parts of the dream. It strengthens my testimony that temple marriages are forever and specifically shows me that his love for you is eternal.

Your family continues to be in our prayers. Our lives have been blessed by yours and we thank you for that. Our hope is that you will be comforted at this time and that the void you feel currently will be replaced with the joyous memories of Amos, the knowledge of God’s eternal plan for us, and the peace provided by the Comforter.”